Basic boundaries

What about Bob?

Forward: The following does not delve into complex and significantly serious issues of boundary violation.  My desire isn't to narrate a re-traumatizing post but to explore ways to smooth out foundational, interpersonal skills.    

Boundaries can be considerably challenging to establish and maintain for anyone. It becomes especially difficult for people who have PTSD or C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder: C-PTSD can occur for individuals who have experienced repeated or multiple traumatic experiences over an ongoing period of time).  Experiencing long-term control, manipulation, and threats may lead to "mental death," or permanent damage to a person's core identity, difficulty with interpersonal communication, guilt, and change to areas of the brain equivalent to an injury.

While these things cannot be clinically "cured," people can heal with the help of a trauma-informed therapist, trusted friends, and a plan for when a crisis arises.

Trusted friends? Hold the phone. Well, that's another one of those factors one has when living with PTSD.  It's not that you have to pressure yourself to be authentic with everyone to "feel the heal," but building boundaries can establish secure bonds of trust.

So, let's take a gander at some boundaries I've chosen to enact:

1. Have a go-to "stop" phrase. Conflicts will happen, but when I genuinely feel overwhelmed while trying to process someone else, statements such "no," "I'm not comfortable," "I'm feeling overwhelmed," "that's inappropriate," or "I'm sorry, but I'm not feeling well" give me a chance to slow down awry or triggering situations.  
2. Be responsible. I tend to lean into over-explaining as a demonstration of authenticity and perhaps that's nervous naivete, but it's ultimately up to each of us to decide a safe way to articulate the experiences of being differently abled.  Starting by letting other people know that they're respected, heard, and allowed to voice concern can help establish healthier communication.  In that sense, I try to reciprocate the benefit of the doubt that I'm asking for when I'm coping with information overload, yelling, insults, or threatening gestures.
3. Record your boundaries.  If you don't know where the boundaries should lie, consider giving yourself some time to identify triggers, conversations, comments, or situations you're not willing to engage with anymore.  I have a boundary for debating religion and politics. There are a select few people who I would consider having those conversations. If it's a particular individual,  accepting where they are at and making a mental or written note about where the relationship stands and patterned behaviors detected can help with processing if boundaries need to be individualized.
4. Be intentional. Part of being intentional is learning from the process. What concerns me? What supports my concerns? What am I willing to spend my time, energy, and resources on? Boundaries don't always have to be about relationships.  They can be about how I spend money (e.g. should I buy anything and everything that comforts me, or can I pick 2-3 big name items or hobbies to occupy my leisure?), work (e.g. is this within my job description? can I negotiate flexibility in scheduling?), or a number of areas.
5. Give grace. Respect space.  Recognize that some people have personalities or experiences that might predispose them to certain behaviors.  Once I recognize that people are coming from different places, I can gradually reclaim my space and energy.  If the person is in non-negotiable and total violation (no gray space for what they're saying or doing), let someone else know what transpired. 
6. Dose yourself.  For times when I recognized that I didn't have a choice in who I was around, I dosed myself with how much I should engage.  If it gets emotionally abusive, I make my safe exits silently known to myself, and I do not expend anymore energy fixing or validating the other person.  
7. Learn to recognize if you're internalizing stigma. For me, a part of eschewing external validation necessitates that I also recognize self-stigma. 
8. Seek safety when harm is evident. Safety plans can go a long way and that might include falling back on healthy coping strategies, dialing it into to someone else, or letting a professional know you're unsafe.  There are many ways in which, sadly, people abuse positional power, change the rules, perpetuate emotionally abusive comments, enable harmful behaviors, workplace bullying, or express a pattern of continued manipulation.  It helps to also turn the mirror around to see if I'm in the fault of perpetuating those acts.  I find that it helps me to help other people by letting them know that I'm not well in my red zone and need space.
9. Self-forgiveness, radical acceptance, and applying your own internal guidance. Acceptance is not an agreement that the situation is fair, and forgiveness does not have to forget; we need to be responsible for establishing new boundaries for ourselves after we forgive ourselves for "feeling" or "doing" a certain way. Further, it helps me to accept people for where they're at in context instead of framing behavior and action as someone's true nature. I don't spend my time trying to figure out people.  I know when their actions are violating or otherwise leave me slimed by their presence, and I act accordingly based on my behavior.  Consequentially, I don't believe people demonstrate their true selves at better or worse, and I try my imperfect best not to identify people with oppressive insults. Can I be ridiculously bitter and negative, anyway? Absolutely. Healing bitterness starts with self-forgiveness and recognizing that I am still materially a human being.
10. Keep a third-party person present. "When the stakes are high, emotions are involved," etc. seek a mediator who has no stake on either claim. Leave the door open. Power differentials, discrimination, and positional abuse does exist regardless of good intentions.

By no means is my simplified list exhaustive or one that I perfectly handle every time an issue arises. 

If someone genuinely treads too far, seek a mentor or a professional who has no stake in any sides of the story.

Resources
Film: What About Bob?